Shadowblogs

 Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sometimes in life so much happens it’s hard to keep track of it all. Since I attempted my trip up the mountain, I have tried on several occasions to completed the journey. I have been unsuccessful in my endevores. Something somewhere has held me back, as of now I have not found it but changes are taking place.

I have found ‘him’ invading my mind again. Wonder how many times that cord will have to be cut before it stops wiggling in my mind. ‘He’ is not welcome now and the invasion is not as it used to be. No longer does he come to my mind with heartache and pain, now he’s an annoyance, a sense that something is wrong, and the wish it would leave me alone. I try to shield my mind from the invasion, block the thoughts of him, when my day is in full swing this comes easy, my shielding is strong, but in the early morning hours as I drive into the darkness on the way to work, my protection is still weak and his memory is strong. I don’t know where they come from but I shove them away to go on with my day. I remind myself if things are bad for him it’s of his own doing  and it’s no longer any of my concern. I hold conversations with him in my mind tell him to leave me alone, yet morning after morning ’he’ returns, an unwelcome intrusion in my mind. I do not love or hate him, feel no ill will over the things he did. I am grateful for the journey I am on because of what he did. So I suppose I feel gratitude. There are times I wish we had shared this journey together, I think of the wonderful things I have discovered the horrible things I’ve let go of, and know it how much it would help if he was to be by my side. I know his pain, and what it is doing to his soul, if he could see the things I’ve seen and felt the joy I’ve felt that pain could be carried away. His search for peace would be over and he could stop distroying his life. But alas he is not ready to let go, he holds on for dear life, I will not be a part of it no more. By the time I reach work I leave him in the car where he vanishes with the rising sun.

I’ve spent the weekend pondering my week the dance with his memory, the call from my path, all the new things to explore and wondering which way to go. So many things to discover, like a kid in a candy store so much to see and do. Never stopping long enough to get a fix on my path. Questions asked, new things learned, confusion and joy, excitement and fear, never been one for not knowing where I’m going, not very comfortable with change.

This morning I woke up determined to run down some answers, to get a firm fix on my quest. Started the morning by checking for the answer I had posed to a friend last night. Oh crumb no help there answer ‘why limit yourself explore it all’. I am not detoured though determined to narrow this road I’m on I decide to pull three cards from ‘messages from your angels’ deck. Response from the cards: continue absorbing knowlege, not ready to narrow the field, there is no rush, caution is warrented, there is no turning back, have no fear the journey is safe.

Well dang and double dang anyway, still the traveling the wide road. But maybe just maybe the fear and safety issue is an answer to why ‘he’ has invaded my thoughts. As unwelcome as ‘his’ memory is it keeps me from facing an uncertain future. As dead end as that road is I know what is there pain, heartache, sorrow and grief. As ugly as it is it’s predictable and there’s the comfort of knowing what each day brings. OMG time to set that thought free to my guides, YUCK!

But old stubborn me the universe has told me twice to go with the flow but still I insist I need to narrow the road. Time to meditate on the idea. I set my intentions conquer the fear that keeps me from moving forward, let go of what is holding me here, and find the narrow road to follow.

I saw a sink with the plug in the drain, as I contemplated if I should pull it out or leave it there, the plug began to sink into the drain. My mind snapped to full attention, grab that plug it’s blocking our path. Too late the plug was sucked down the drain out of my reach. Cursing myself for being so stupid I began a new search for the plug. Finally my efforts and persistance were rewarded as I again found the plug, this time not in an empty sink but in a bathtub with several inches of murky water. Not thinking twice I reached in and pulled it out. Within seconds my vision was filled with the tornado of the draining tub. When my vision cleared I found myself on the shore next to a large body of water, looking out to the open sea, on both sides were high cliffs leaving a wide passage for the ship floating on the water to travel through, in the distance the beautiful orange yellow sky of the setting sun. I stood on the shore watching the ship sail out to the open sea fading to just a spot on the horizon. The thought crossed my mind that the journey begins and was over whelmed by the knowledge I was standing on shore and my ship had just set sail. I’d missed the boat again. As fast as the idea hit my mind, I found myself on the bow of the ship, sailing calmly past the cliffs on both sides. As I looked out to the open sea, I wondered did I have to understand that it was my ship setting sail and desire to make the voyage to be allowed passage or did I need to see my ship set sail so I would understand the journey had begun? Maybe a little of both.

Looking back on the vision brings great comfort and joy, the final block and fear are now gone, the true journey has begun, but. . . . looking out at the open sea, my road has not narrowed at all.

 Saturday, April 14, 2007

It’s been a tremendous week! It’s amazing what some major healing, letting go, and forgiveness can do for the soul.

‘My little shadow’ and I needed some help getting past the pain of days gone by. A new and wonderful soul had joined our path, placed there for just this purpose. So in the dark of night we came together, joined by a cord, across time and space, the magic of healing took place. My healer saw the pain let go, taken away by the angels. As we discussed the pain and the hugeness of it later, my healer thought it was ‘him’ I had not revealed the truth of what I was working on, admitting it now just felt like the right thing to do.

There’s no way to discribe the feeling of peace, joy and freedom that took over in the moment I figured it out. This week has been a wonderful week learning new things, finding joy in the little things, seeing old things with whole new eyes, what a journey it’s been.

This morning we began a trip, a journey to the top of a mountain to meet our higher self. As we set out it appeared it would be easy, sadly it’s harder then expected. Just short of our goal the journey came to an end. The finale saved for another day, something is still not right, it just isn’t time yet, we sit at the edge of the moutain top reflecting  on our journey, tomorrows another day. No need to hurry we have a life time of journeys ahead of us. Today We’ll just review our journey to now and see what’s holding us back.

Sunday, April 01, 2007  

Life is good . . .the days are getting longer . . . the nights are getting shorter. . .Spring is in the air . . .the trees are turning green . . .and flowers are blooming in the garden . . .spring . . .a time for new beginnings . . .saying good bye to a long, cold winter . . .Good byes said . . .time to start the next stage . . .a life of joy . . .love . . .and happiness . . .this time it’s for real . . .no more false promises . . .from some one that just lies. . .this time the happiness . . .is based on the truth . . . my new love . . .will never leave me . . .lie to me . . .hurt me . . .or find someone new. . . . my new love is in it for life . . .unconditional . . .non judgemental . . .full of forgiveness . . .replacing the bad memories with beautiful new ones . . .my new love . . .enjoys listening to the birds of springtime sing . . .the sun beating down . . .a gentle springtime breeze . . .or the sound of the rain on the roof . . .nothing more joyous then just my new love and me . . .we take time every day . . .alone together . . .walking along . . .a smile on my face . . .a song in my heart . . .walking on air . . .since we’re never apart . . .together forever . . .my new love and me . . .the journeys not ended. . . . . we have miles to go . . .but together we’ll make it . . .my new love and me . . .how exciting the journey . . .I’ve finally found ME!!!

 Friday, March 16, 2007

 My little shadow lost in the time slips

They say it’s the moon, everything is out of whack, time is in a funk, I move in yesterday when it’s tomorrow, today doesn’t exist till next week.. You think you’re confused just imagine trying to live in this time zone. Depression and mood swings, confusion, insanity, and worst of all the feeling of being lost in time. My guides are just as lost as I am. Word on the street the solar eclipse will bring it back in alignment. I guess we’ll find out in a couple of days.

The journey has slowed during the time slips. With ‘my little shadow’ in yestday I am traveling in tomorrow. Sliding through time I’ve had several close calls with the yesterdays I’ve left behind. As time made it’s first slip,I fell backwards and landed squarely in front of the crossroad. It began to tug at me and almost sucked me in, fortunately a guiding hand slipped past just as I was almost at the point of no return. Once again on solid ground back on the path of tomorrow, I attempted to hold on till things settle down. A twist and a shift and oops I was ripped free of my anchor and slid back back backwards again. Thinking as fast as the new slip would allow my guides mantra sounded off, ground ground ground, focus and protect. Hard to ground with your feet over your head, focus, protect how when your your mind is in another time zone. Ground, focus, protect, focus first, then protect and ground try it backwards and maybe I would not get sucked back into that pit of dispair back at the crossroads from hell.

Focus, occupy look for a new route through the time shift. A new guide, the violet flame, research, study, decree, learn, focus, manifest, maintain, move forward inch by inch. The violet flame begins to bring ‘my little shadow’ closer. Keeping my eye on the violet flame the crossroad again fades to it’s place in the past, it beckons, out of phase I glance back but the violet flame holds me fast till the moment passes.

Two more days the moon is coming back in alignment with time, and the past will be gone. The path is still there, ‘my little shadow’ is coming nearer, the guides are there, and now the violet flame is lighting my way.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The severed cord

Not the destination I expected. Not so long ago I began this journey to find my path in life, in search of ’my little shadow’. It feels as though I’ve been traveling for years, hard to believe it’s barely been 2 month.

Looking back, it’s been a journey of heart ache and sorrow, joys and laughter, good days and horrid ones as well. One hurdle after another, approached, tackeled, beaten or faced again. The journey bagan to escape yet another heart break, another love abandoned for no reason, here today gone tomorrow, leaving me sitting at a crossroad with my heart in pieces again.

At first I just wanted to sit there and cry, tired of this trip from heart break to heart break, convinced he would return some day. I played this game before, wait it out he’ll be back, don’t matter what he’s done. Had ‘my little shadow’ not come to me that night and whispered her message of hope in my ear, I would be sitting there waiting today, shattered heart still laying on the ground. Her message four little words, the message not what was spoken, brought hope and joy to my heart and my soul. The message private, meant only for my heart words to heal my soul, four little words misunderstood and mis-interpretted by all but the ears meant to hear them. They got me moving, I began the journey away from the intersection that led to the path we had shared. He called me back so often, the trip in circles, the near death of ‘my little shadow’. After a month of traveling no place it was time for the game to end, I cut the cord, with him. That cord that allowed him to speak to my mind, tug at my heart, and rip at my very soul. With the cord cut, I was free to move along my path, no longer did I hear his call, feel his presence, bare the pain of his being.

It sent me into a free fall, the new silence deafening, no longer connected to what I discovered to be my twin flame, but when the free fall was over I was again on solid ground. Mind clearer able to see the path ahead, the journey to look forward to, and new challenges to meet. ‘My little shadow’ traveling with me showing the things I must do to have her with me always, I met each challenge, won some, lost some, and at a draw with others. Guides always present helping me along the way.

After the cord was cut I was free, I didn’t expect the end result. As I moved forward there was a pull back to the crossroad over and over. The visits were short though and the trip resumed, never a desire to stay, each return shorter, each return becoming more repulsive. I didn’t understand, not then and just barely now, something was changing. Communications from him got more bitter, his ability to recollect what had happened seemed to vanish, suddenly I was the bad guy, (say what?), we couldn’t be friends because of things I did. Lost and confused I asked him why, his response was pure hatred, angry and more confused I fired back and deleted him from myspace and my life. New anger, new pain, new forgiveness to find.  

My search for answers brought me new understanding, the severed cord all hacked and cut laying on the ground. It brought freedom to me, I knew what was going on. I didn’t think about him, and how he may react. He didn’t believe in the cord, I thought it was one way, looking back I can see that it wasn’t, did he know it was there? Did he consciously know I had cut it? I don’t know. Did his heart and soul feel the disconnection? I have no dought. His little shadow is now lying in the hospital for lost and damaged souls. No one to care for it does he even know it’s missing? Can she bring it back? The temptation to visit is strong, His soul was so precious to mine. But if I visit, the cord may reconnect and that is a chance I can not take. I now understand why our paths joined all those months ago, we both had a journey of healing and forgiveness to take, he was not ready to make it, I on the other hand am.

The final cord lays severed on the ground, his heart and soul, lie next to it, the ball is in her court hopefully she will rescue him from his own private hell as I would have done, I turn and join hands with ‘my little shadow’ and walk into the sunset together. The real journey can now begin!

 Monday, March 05, 2007

Healing My little Shadow comes first 
 

I have rejoined my path. My days in free fall have ended. Grounded once again the journey continues. I needed some time away, there were things I needed to do, time spent alone thinking things thru. I could not go forward while carrying the path, the load was to heavy to bare.

If I wanted a life with ‘my little shadow’ I knew all my pasts had to be left behind. Yes He was a part of it but far from the totality of the situation. The damage to ‘my little shadow’ has been being inflicted for years.  Now after days and days in free fall I am aware of the damage inflicted. Not all of the damage is visible, much is internal, the wounds festering from years of neglect.

The shattered heart, pieced together with super glue and duct tape, the proper attention not given. How many times can one heart be broken before it can not be repaired?  With attention it can be mended, gone is the duct tape, and the super glue has been desolved, a new beginning at healing old wounds. With microscopic attention the pieces now being returned to thier original place. Yes there will always be pieces missing from this puzzel, so many parts left behind at retreat. The heart and the soul are wonderous things, with a little attention to detail healing can begin. So with all the patience available to any single human being, I pull out the microscope, golden needle, and the finest of thread and set about repairing the damage.

Work has gone well, each new wound discovered repaired with the close attention to detail. Each wound must be attended to individually. Some are easier to heal then others, some take moments, some much more, months may be involved in still others.

I finally see that I had lost site of my path and the journey I was on. I had become content to spend moments with ‘my little shadow’ enduring hours of anquish forgetting that the purpose of the trip was not for moments but rather eternity with my shadow. Now I’m again on the right path, the true journey begins, no longer seeking moment, the crossroad and all that it represents left beind. Now the realization, He was but a vessel to begin my journey. I had convinced myself in my desperation to connect with ‘my little shadow’ that I needed him. Now I see it was not a journey we were intended to take together. He was brought in to show me the path, make the introductions then continue on a path of his own. He takes with him pieces of the shattered heart, maybe they are needed to mend his own. I leave them with him with my blessing and well wishes for the future, I hope he finds what ever it is he seeks, my path is calling and I must answer looking forward the past left behind. What tomorrow will bring is unclear, but each stitch made with the golden needle, brings ‘my little shadow’ closer to full health. Soon she will rejoin me on my path, keeping me company as we journey together into the unknown.

Friday, March 09, 2007

 Side by Side with ‘my little shadow’ today
Looking back at the days since my journey began, I’m amazed by the number of detours I have taken since it started. Setting off in good faith I was making progress toward my goal, only to find myself returned to the same place over and over again. It’s like running blindly through a deep forest, convinced each step is taking you closer to getting out only to find yourself standing under the same tree once again, facing the same crossroad, exhausted, none the wiser, and  more confused. There comes a time when it’s time to stop running and pay closer attention to the trip. So my journey resumed again, the same journey just a different route, time to stop running and pay attention to where I’m going this time. One foot in front of the other, stopping to deal with the obstacles rather then going around or over them. So much to do, so much to deal with, no short cuts, no running blindly. One step, one day, one thing, one stitch at a time. Progress is slower now, in if you look at the distance traveled but faster due simply to the fact I am moving forward not in circles. True progress is being made, ‘my little shadow’ has rejoined the journey, times together increase daily. No longer are moments enough, I seek her permanent company in my life. Every day we spend more time traveling our path in each others company. The journey is much more pleasant walking side by side, sharing the experience together, no more torment and torture, now with the pain there is joy and laughter as well. Time spent discovering, healing, remembering, repairing, laughing and learning to smile just because. For the first time in a long time I like being me, just because I am me. I had come to believe He was needed for me to enjoy my life. that without him there was no ‘little shadow’ that smile, the laugh , the pure joy of living my life as me. I believed He accepted me and loved me in spite of all the pains and secrets of the past, the things that I thought no one could accept. The acceptance was the secret to ‘my little shadow’ not Him. I needed to accept me and when I have fully accomplished this ‘my little shadow’ and I can be as one, and true happiness and joy can be mine. Gone is the total darkness, the first rays of the morning sun are just beginning to lighten the sky, I face each day with anticipation now, what will this day accomplish that will brighten my trip even more. The journey continues, the joy grows, and the time with my little shadow increases. . . . .

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Free falling

I move forward just a step and the path vanishes from under my feet. Free falling, no beginning, no end, nothing to run from, nothing to find, just me in a place no time, no goals, no guilt, no dreams. Just falling into emptiness, a ghost, not a shadow, not a life not a being just a ghost free falling through time.

As I fall in my never ending tumble through time I have only me to talk to, no one hears my cries, and if they could they could not help. For now I am on my own, what is going on this was supposed to be simple, how hard can it possibly be to find the peace, love, and joy that my little shadow had shown me? I knew her so well, she was with me all the time He was in my life, and I know she was not just with him. So why now am I free falling? Where did I take a wrong turn? I quit the game, cut the cord, left the baggage behind on his front lawn, still the only thing I hear is the future calling my name, begging me to stay. How can I turn my back on that desperate cry? Some cords can not be cut, some voices will not be drowned out, the future still cries for salvation. The future is innocent, has no choice, not to blame, guiltless, just an innocent bystander caught in the hell that is to come. He made his choices no one consult us for our opinions, now we suffer alone, separated by time, and space, the future and I endangered because he  didn’t stop to think beyond himself. No warnings got through, he turned a deaf ear, not caring what may happen tomorrow, only thinking of his today, now the future will suffer. I try to hold on, I know I can not let go, my little shadow and I will join some day, for now she lays in own little version of hell, waiting for me to rescue her as well.

Free falling, through time and space, nobody knows, nobody cares, they don’t see I’m no longer there, they don’t see past the soul-less body that moves in their time. My heart and my soul are searching in this empty place trying to find the answers to questions, solutions to the problems, a journey through time to see what will happen. Every attempt to change the outcome has brought further disaster in this place with no time. It’s all here in this place yesterday, today, and all the tomorrows. Every choice, and the end result, it ripples with the effects of moment by moment decisions. Free falling, watching the ripples in time trying to connect while staying disconnected. I search for the answers the solution, and the antidote, yet all the while I close my eyes not wanting to see the results.

Free falling, waiting, in a place with no time, and no space, waiting for the answers I don’t want to hear, free falling enjoying the silence for now. As long as  I fall they can not catch me I’m free for now no more struggle no more pain, the fall will end and I must prepare but for now free falling is what I desire, no time, no space, no connections no cares, just free falling for now.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

My Little Shadow calls

My days in this place without time are coming to an end. I believed here, free falling tumbling through time and space invisible to the forces of the world I could hide, no one could see me, no one could hear me, no one  could catch me, free falling. I believed ‘my little shadow’ to be barely clinging to live back at the Cosmic Hospital for Lost and Damaged Souls, I waited to hear that alarm signaling her departure for a better place where there was no pain or sorrow. ‘My little shadow’ she’s a touch little cookie she holds on just waiting for me to find that cure that allow us to join forever. The only one, the only thing that could reach me here in this place, ‘my little shadow’ came to me, whispered in my ear, spoke to my very heart, and soul: “you know you can not remain in this place, it’s time for your journey to continue”  We spent the afternoon enjoying each others company, pleasant moments full of excitement, I hear the call of my journey returning. My quest will not be ignored or abandond but the peace of my free fall beckons as well. Like a joyful vacation, ending to soon  I cling desperately not yet ready to leave begging for more time here alone.Free falling, coming to an end, the emptiness of time and space now filling with the  things that I’d been hiding from. ‘My little shadow’ showed them the way, the magic of this place with no time and no space, there’s always a way never truly alone never safe. Once again my path is calling, guides reaching out to offer a now intrusive hand, the game that had ended still waiting for that final move, the future still beckoning and as always ‘my little shadow’ taunting me forward, rejoin the path your vacation is over no more time in this place, with no time and no space, come back to the path you are meant to follow.

Still I fall not as freely as before to many things get in the way. I know the journey will continue all to soon. I want to return, but long to stay, but any joy in the my fall is now fading, the sound of my path, and all that is there is now filling my ears, my heart and my soul. I will return I know this but at least for tonight, I will rest, and see what the morning brings, time is returning, not a good  sign one more night free falling,  blocking out the noise of tomorrow.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Journey without “My Little Shadow”

 On Saturday evening I sadly took the first steps of the solo leg of my journey. The darkness surrounding theCosmic
Hospital for Lost and Damaged Souls was stifling; with each step I took I was sure the next would drop me off the edge of a cliff, never to return. Determinedly I continued inching forward hour after hour making little progress blindly feeling my way. Some 24 hours later I dropped exhausted to the ground convinced I’d gone blind, the darkness was so complete. I lay there waiting for the tumble into darkness that would surely be my last, knowing I would never see ‘my little shadow’ again. ..

  Then just as the darkness began to swallow me up, once again that glowing hand of my guide reached out to pull me to safety. At first it was a glimmer visible only because the darkness had become so complete, I reached out straining to reach what it had to offer. For what felt like eternity I struggled to reach my guides hand. Finally with a brilliance that was blinding my fingers brushed my guides. In an instant the world lit up with a glow such as I had never seen. As my eyes adjusted to the brightness it soon became apparent the path I must travel. I was lined with years and years of memories as far as the eyes could see. I took my first tentative steps travel now was slowed not by fear but rather by the flood of memories that demanded I stop and take notice. A new and wondrous understanding flooded my conscious mind, as each memory presented itself in light of my new knowledge.

  ‘My little shadow’ even felt well enough to join me on the path for a time, as I made my new discoveries. As with all my lessons on the path the joy from the lesson is short and the journey must continue. All too soon the light began to fade, and darkness to return. Tuesday brought a storm of anger, and torment but the guiding light of my new knowledge refused to go out. The skies are not clear, I’m still fumbling in semi darkness but the quest continues. As each day passes I feel ‘my little shadow’ gain strength.  There are things I must do to earn her trust. Will we make it? Only time will tell. . . . .

Saturday, February 17, 2007

My Little Shadow and the end of the game

A week has passed since leaving ‘my little shadows’ bedside, and what a week it has been. It has been a week of heart ache and joy, laughter and tears, anger and excitement. I have made some discoveries and not all are pleasant, some choices had to be made and things had to be let go. 

Three weeks ago I sat at the cross roads contemplating which road to take. In my mind I chose to follow the path with ’my little shadow’ I truly desired what she had to offer, but my heart was not willing to leave the path that stayed near to Him. So as my mind searched for a new future my heart and thus my soul was still connected to him. Two parts of the same body can not go on opposing quests and not have something break eventually. While I’d thought I was moving forward I found I was actually in a very deep rut that continued to lead me in circles, always returning and finding myself back at that cross road with my shattered heart lying on the ground. Resolution was needed, as long as my heart stayed at this crossroad I knew I would not be able to move on. Every time I came back I tried to explain to the part that remained how much more was out there beyond this intersection in our life.

I discovered the darkest part of the journey was at this intersection, when I began to move away I would find the light no matter how distant it was there. I knew the ties to this intersection had to be left behind but my heart was in charge of this place and like the dog waiting by the door for it’s dead master she stood guard over that fork in the road. It was time to re-think my choises with Him. Hour after hour I paced examining the choises before me. I knew the lies, I could continue to hide my knowledge (and continue to torment myself) or reveal the truth (and risk the future). Through it all the future has to be protected but at what cost to me? I re-examined the line of safety, if I move it just a little can I still protect the future? It was the chance I had to take.

I took a step forward, some most basic truths revealed and laid it on the line. Don’t lie any more, tell me the truth, stop feeling guilty, just get honest for once, don’t protect my feelings, don’t lie any more. Balls in your court friends or not friends, it’s all up to you.  I guess he didn’t see what was on the line, he thought he could fool the judges. A few half truths in the guise of honesty, a few new lies to cover the old, and a little guilt trip to keep me off guard, a fast trip to the pits of hell. The trip was so abrupt it left me realing from it’s force, but I knew I could not run and I could not hide I had to climb back up and face this demon if I was to move onto the bliss I was seeking. With fire extinquisher in hand I climbed back in the game.

 Re-evlauate, re-assess, new game plan, new out come, new life.

There is no way to win this game, except to end it now. Being who I am and the nature of my beast, giving up is not my style. I fight to the end, but where is the end of this game. He will play it forever, exhausting my heart, my mind and my soul, tearing me down till I give up all that is left of me. I am seeking my little shadow not trying to kill her. He brought her into my life and now he wants her back. Well he can not have her, she is mine so the game must end.

Re-assessed, re-evaluated, new plan made, next move made, balls in his court and I walk away. Game-set-match!

Yes I still worry about the future, since the day this started it’s been my biggest fear. I know I still must leave a small part of me with that, I can not abandon that path. He does not know the game is over, he’s still playing in his mind deciding on his next move. I don’t think he will allow the game to end like this, he will try to keep it going.

I have to keep my eye on the road ahead and not look back, if I listen to his call I will return and that is not an option. My little shadow calls from her bed, providing me with the incentive to go on. Two new helping hands have joined me on the path to help me reach my destination. I don’t know how they know, but they always give me the inspiration I need just when I need it the most…
 

 Monday, February 05, 2007

My little shadow is dead

Not sure what happened but I think she died. Her light began to fade last night and by the time I finished working today there was no more light, just darkness. I can’t keep chasing a dream that will never come true, I quit. 

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

My little shadow in ICU

OK after a day on life support in intensive care, my little shadow is still in critical condition but at least she’s stabelized.  There is a small teeny tiny glimmer of hope. Can’t give up hoping maybe she will survive. Trying to keep a posative outlook. Hoping for another helping hand in the darkness, maybe if I just believe it will be.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Cosmic Hospital for Lost and Damaged Souls

I have spent the past five days wandering the halls of theCosmic
Hospital for Lost and Damaged Souls. While we wait the endless hours for ‘my little shadow’ to recover. Hour upon hour begging, pleading, waiting, and wandering.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Reflections of a shattered heart

Since I have begun the tale of ‘my little shadow’ I have often times heard comments like cheer up, he isn’t worth it, don’t let it get you down. I think back to when Mike died. No one said those things to me. When I was sad I cried and no one told me to cheer up, or don’t be sad. I wonder why is it when someone loses someone to death it’s ok to be unhappy but if the relationship just ends for other reasons you are not allowed?

He has remained nameless and will continue as such. Our love was private when we shared it and it will remain private in it’s end. He knows who he is, and even though he knows nothing of this little journey journal should he someday stumble onto my myspace blogs he will not dought who I am speaking of. But that is between him and I if the day ever should arrive.

The journey to find my little shadow is not really about him nor is it about the love we shared. My little shadow is not him, and  other then the fact that he introduced me to ‘my little shadow’ he has nothing to do with the journey I have undertaken. My journey is more about finding me and who I am and am meant to be.

  When I was with him I felt things I had never experienced in my entire life. I felt as though for the very first time I was whole, I was complete, I was somebody. When he left so did that person I had found myself to be. I felt so empty, lonely, alone and broken. It was the night ‘my little shadow first visited me that I figured out what it was I was seeking. Yes I miss the man, with him in my life I never had to seek that special feeling it was just there overflowing from the depth of my soul. But he showed me that I could be happy and complete and my journey is about feeling that way within me on my own.

  So what holds up the journey? What makes it so hard to make? Two things one that he keeps calling to my mind, telling me things, we are connected I cant make it go away no matter how hard I try. The other? Why does he lie to me? He calls out to me, touches my heart, touches my mind but when we talk in real life he lies. He tries foolishly to keep what he believes is a secret from me, silly man that he is doens’t realize I’ve known all along. So why does he lie? What is the purpose for the lies? Why do I hang on? Like I said before I have to change the future.

  You see I loved not only the man but I loved the woman I became because of him. He accepted me for who I was, every fault and flaw. He showed me I was loveable even at my worst. If he could love me even for that short time then why could I not love myself? If someone as special as him could find something to love then shouldn’t I be able to as well? So I search deep within my soul, there are good things there, and I’m not so bad now that I’m getting to know me.

  Yes my heart is lying shattered on the ground, it’s not all for the loss of him. I lost that person I’d found in me as well and that caused as much damage as him. It’s kind of like the damage from katrina on the coast. The wind damaged and distroyed, and water did as well. Does it really matter to the owner of the broken home what distroy it? It is unimportant what broke my heart, there was no insurance to cover the cost of repairs.

  No the journey to find my little shadow is not easy but you know I get more and more moments in her presence. I am learning to love me with out him. I’m beginning to see the me that he used to see before she came along. I know if he hadn’t left I wouldn’t have made this journey, and as hard as it is I needed to make it. Yes I still love him, yes I still miss him, yes I still get sad over losing him. I often wonder if I had made this journey before I met him if he would have been gone today. I don’ t know I can’t change the way things happened now is about me. Yes I still mourn the loss of the love we shared, the freindship we had. After we parted I told him if he changed his mind I would be waiting when he came back. I guess time changes everything. Would I take him back? More likely then not but will I be waiting ? No I am moving on to be the person I was meant to be.  This is what was meant to be, and the new and improved me is confident in her journey.

   The shattered pieces will heal with time, and the new and improved me will move along the path, learning more with each passing day that she does deserve to walk hand in hand with her little shadow.  

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Making brief contacts with my little shadow

“At the end of every road, lies the start of the new one. Break free from the ties of the past-that is the true meaning”

This is something my little shadow presented to me a couple weeks ago and as I reflect on it and learn more and more of my new path in life it boggles my mind. As I look back on the past I realize the first part is so very true there is always a new road to travel, as I move from the crossroad where I spent hours waiting wondering what to do, I realize I was trying to drag the past roads with me. No wonder I am so tired all the time. All the roads traveled in this lifetime is one heavy load to carry. It’s not a wonder I’ve not been able to catch up with my little shadow as she flits around ahead of me. She is light and free and carries not crap from the past. I am bogged down with all the sadness and heartbreaks of days gone by.

Break free from the ties of the past- this is the true meaning.

In order to move forward the ties to the past and the heart ache and pain must first be left behind. This is a path of joy and pain is not allowed.

As the days have passed since my decision to leave the crossroad and persue my little shadow we have had several close encounters. Again new souls have been placed along my path to help and encourage my journey. It amazes me how they appear at the moment I need them most. On Friday I ran into a brick wall built across the path. I looked at it and cried “why do I even try” I was ready to give up the journey, just sit there and pout, my little shadow is nothing but torment for my soul. She just taunts and teases me I’ll never catch up with her, and know the joy she has.

 Then just when I sat there in total darkness, moments from giving in to my dispair, a hand came out of the darkness and pulled me to my feet. I can’t help but wonder what is going on. This journey is dark full of sadness, and darkness and the urge to give up is at times overwhelming. But just when that darkness gets the best of me, there is that little glimmer of hope. The hand in the darkness has reached out to me twice in a matter of days providing me with exactly what is needed to go on. The hand glows with the knowledge that I seek, I can not fathom it’s knowledge but I will not turn my back on it either.

Where is the new path going? What is it that my little shadow is trying to make me find? I meet a new challenge and pass the test, she gives a few moments as a reward but then with no time to rest she races back to the road, the journey is not yet complete. Will it ever be? Hopefully the day will come soon when the journey gets easier. I just want to rest, time to reflect but my new guiding hand and shadow do not give me that leisure. If I stop I lose them and it’s not a chance I can take at this juncture. So the journey continues into the unknown.

 Saturday, January 27, 2007

Update on my little shadow

Have you ever walked or driven down a road thinking you knew where you was then suddenly realized you are hopelessly lost? Searching endlessly for something familiar in your surroundings only to find your still lost? Do you turn around and go back the way you came? Or do you go on hoping that eventually you will find the place you seek?

Well after two days of chasing my little shadow, I am hopelessly lost and must sit back and ponder my options. Even as I sit back and try to ignore her she taunts and teases, she’s trying to get me to follow her further from the comforts  I called home. But she’s not alone in her taunting because the old way is just as loud and demanding, probably more so because there is the comfort of familiarity back there. Or I could just  sit here and learn to enjoy this new place I’m in.

My little shadow has placed a new guide in my path, with a freindly hand the new guide beckons me to go forward. She tells me ‘your path will come back till you follow’ . With a weary and exhausted mind and spirit I look back at years gone by and yes I can see moments in time like a movie rewinding where the path has beckoned before, even times when I began the trip but alas the road was to long and I turned back. My shadow found the perfect soul to bring me this far, but now that he has left I again must pause and evaluate is this trip worth making alone?

As I sit under a tree peering at the roads ahead I wonder am I strong enough to make the right choice and why must there be three. The first road will take me way back to where I was long ago, sitting alone trying to find peace that is not there, knowing I must journey to find it. The second path is blocked full of the remains of my broken heart, I could sit here and rest and see if he comes back for me, he’s on the other side being pulled as well. I don’t want him back but I feel the need to help him back on his path.  Then there is the new path with my new guide standing there patiently with her hand held out to lead me.

I know if I want my little shadow, I must reach out and take the hand of my new guide. She is now with the guide no longer with him, the one that introduced us. As frightening as it is I know the new road is the one I must follow, the only problem is every time I take those first steps He reaches out and screams for me to wait, I feel it in my heart and soul that our paths are not yet to part, our journey is not to end here. Our paths joined for a reason and it is not complete, but I must ask is this the place they need to rejoin? I can not sit here and wait much longer, decisions must be made. Then why do I wait? I have to change the future.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Choices to make-stay or follow my little shadow

The quest for ‘my little shadow’ continues. I sat at the crossroad pondering my choices. From the start I knew the road back could not be taken. I’d come to far to go back there but still the two remaining paths beckoned me to follow them. My mind wants to follow the new path, so many helping hands now appearing guide my way.

The problem is my heart is still laying there shattered on the other path, how can I go on without it? I still hear him calling, still I feel his touch on my soul. I can not change the way things went. He was the one that chose to veer off our path together to join a new one with her, and in between us is what’s left of my heart, can I really leave it there?

As I’ve considered my options little did I realize I was picking up pieces first the larger then some of the smaller till I had collected much of my heart in my hands. No it’s not whole, shattered is shattered and no matter how much I manage to collect he will always have part of it with him. Will he know? Will he care? I don’t know. Will he ever return them so I can again be whole? Probably not but maybe he needs them more then I. It’s not like I had all of it before I met him. Mike took so much of it with him when he died. So I figure what the heck pick up what I can, and see what I can salvage of this mess.

My little shadow is there calling me, I know she has her special form of magic, magic that heals and restores. Maybe her magic will make me whole or closer to whole then I am now. She is my gift and if I stay focused on her then I know this crossroad will soon fade into the past.

With fear I slowly inch towards the new path my little shadow is taking me on. Today I am barely able to drag myself on my belly tomorrow maybe I’ll learn how to crawl. It’s new, and it’s scarey I’m alone on this journey at least for now. With any luck I will find others along the path to share the fear of the unknown. I do not rule out that my path may someday cross with his once again. I would not be suprised to find him up the road. For now though I must travel alone.