Reflections and contact
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Reflections of a shattered heart
Since I have begun the tale of ‘my little shadow’ I have often times heard comments like cheer up, he isn’t worth it, don’t let it get you down. I think back to when Mike died. No one said those things to me. When I was sad I cried and no one told me to cheer up, or don’t be sad. I wonder why is it when someone loses someone to death it’s ok to be unhappy but if the relationship just ends for other reasons you are not allowed?
He has remained nameless and will continue as such. Our love was private when we shared it and it will remain private in it’s end. He knows who he is, and even though he knows nothing of this little journey journal should he someday stumble onto my myspace blogs he will not dought who I am speaking of. But that is between him and I if the day ever should arrive.
The journey to find my little shadow is not really about him nor is it about the love we shared. My little shadow is not him, and other then the fact that he introduced me to ‘my little shadow’ he has nothing to do with the journey I have undertaken. My journey is more about finding me and who I am and am meant to be.
When I was with him I felt things I had never experienced in my entire life. I felt as though for the very first time I was whole, I was complete, I was somebody. When he left so did that person I had found myself to be. I felt so empty, lonely, alone and broken. It was the night ‘my little shadow first visited me that I figured out what it was I was seeking. Yes I miss the man, with him in my life I never had to seek that special feeling it was just there overflowing from the depth of my soul. But he showed me that I could be happy and complete and my journey is about feeling that way within me on my own.
So what holds up the journey? What makes it so hard to make? Two things one that he keeps calling to my mind, telling me things, we are connected I cant make it go away no matter how hard I try. The other? Why does he lie to me? He calls out to me, touches my heart, touches my mind but when we talk in real life he lies. He tries foolishly to keep what he believes is a secret from me, silly man that he is doens’t realize I’ve known all along. So why does he lie? What is the purpose for the lies? Why do I hang on? Like I said before I have to change the future.
You see I loved not only the man but I loved the woman I became because of him. He accepted me for who I was, every fault and flaw. He showed me I was loveable even at my worst. If he could love me even for that short time then why could I not love myself? If someone as special as him could find something to love then shouldn’t I be able to as well? So I search deep within my soul, there are good things there, and I’m not so bad now that I’m getting to know me.
Yes my heart is lying shattered on the ground, it’s not all for the loss of him. I lost that person I’d found in me as well and that caused as much damage as him. It’s kind of like the damage from katrina on the coast. The wind damaged and distroyed, and water did as well. Does it really matter to the owner of the broken home what distroy it? It is unimportant what broke my heart, there was no insurance to cover the cost of repairs.
No the journey to find my little shadow is not easy but you know I get more and more moments in her presence. I am learning to love me with out him. I’m beginning to see the me that he used to see before she came along. I know if he hadn’t left I wouldn’t have made this journey, and as hard as it is I needed to make it. Yes I still love him, yes I still miss him, yes I still get sad over losing him. I often wonder if I had made this journey before I met him if he would have been gone today. I don’ t know I can’t change the way things happened now is about me. Yes I still mourn the loss of the love we shared, the freindship we had. After we parted I told him if he changed his mind I would be waiting when he came back. I guess time changes everything. Would I take him back? More likely then not but will I be waiting ? No I am moving on to be the person I was meant to be. This is what was meant to be, and the new and improved me is confident in her journey.
The shattered pieces will heal with time, and the new and improved me will move along the path, learning more with each passing day that she does deserve to walk hand in hand with her little shadow.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Making brief contacts with my little shadow
“At the end of every road, lies the start of the new one. Break free from the ties of the past-that is the true meaning”
This is something my little shadow presented to me a couple weeks ago and as I reflect on it and learn more and more of my new path in life it boggles my mind. As I look back on the past I realize the first part is so very true there is always a new road to travel, as I move from the crossroad where I spent hours waiting wondering what to do, I realize I was trying to drag the past roads with me. No wonder I am so tired all the time. All the roads traveled in this lifetime is one heavy load to carry. It’s not a wonder I’ve not been able to catch up with my little shadow as she flits around ahead of me. She is light and free and carries not crap from the past. I am bogged down with all the sadness and heartbreaks of days gone by.
Break free from the ties of the past- this is the true meaning.
In order to move forward the ties to the past and the heart ache and pain must first be left behind. This is a path of joy and pain is not allowed.
As the days have passed since my decision to leave the crossroad and persue my little shadow we have had several close encounters. Again new souls have been placed along my path to help and encourage my journey. It amazes me how they appear at the moment I need them most. On Friday I ran into a brick wall built across the path. I looked at it and cried “why do I even try” I was ready to give up the journey, just sit there and pout, my little shadow is nothing but torment for my soul. She just taunts and teases me I’ll never catch up with her, and know the joy she has.
Then just when I sat there in total darkness, moments from giving in to my dispair, a hand came out of the darkness and pulled me to my feet. I can’t help but wonder what is going on. This journey is dark full of sadness, and darkness and the urge to give up is at times overwhelming. But just when that darkness gets the best of me, there is that little glimmer of hope. The hand in the darkness has reached out to me twice in a matter of days providing me with exactly what is needed to go on. The hand glows with the knowledge that I seek, I can not fathom it’s knowledge but I will not turn my back on it either.
Where is the new path going? What is it that my little shadow is trying to make me find? I meet a new challenge and pass the test, she gives a few moments as a reward but then with no time to rest she races back to the road, the journey is not yet complete. Will it ever be? Hopefully the day will come soon when the journey gets easier. I just want to rest, time to reflect but my new guiding hand and shadow do not give me that leisure. If I stop I lose them and it’s not a chance I can take at this juncture. So the journey continues into the unknown.
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