More Journey Alone
Thursday, February 15, 2007
The Journey without “My Little Shadow”
On Saturday evening I sadly took the first steps of the solo leg of my journey. The darkness surrounding theCosmic
Hospital for Lost and Damaged Souls was stifling; with each step I took I was sure the next would drop me off the edge of a cliff, never to return. Determinedly I continued inching forward hour after hour making little progress blindly feeling my way. Some 24 hours later I dropped exhausted to the ground convinced I’d gone blind, the darkness was so complete. I lay there waiting for the tumble into darkness that would surely be my last, knowing I would never see ‘my little shadow’ again. ..
Then just as the darkness began to swallow me up, once again that glowing hand of my guide reached out to pull me to safety. At first it was a glimmer visible only because the darkness had become so complete, I reached out straining to reach what it had to offer. For what felt like eternity I struggled to reach my guides hand. Finally with a brilliance that was blinding my fingers brushed my guides. In an instant the world lit up with a glow such as I had never seen. As my eyes adjusted to the brightness it soon became apparent the path I must travel. I was lined with years and years of memories as far as the eyes could see. I took my first tentative steps travel now was slowed not by fear but rather by the flood of memories that demanded I stop and take notice. A new and wondrous understanding flooded my conscious mind, as each memory presented itself in light of my new knowledge.
‘My little shadow’ even felt well enough to join me on the path for a time, as I made my new discoveries. As with all my lessons on the path the joy from the lesson is short and the journey must continue. All too soon the light began to fade, and darkness to return. Tuesday brought a storm of anger, and torment but the guiding light of my new knowledge refused to go out. The skies are not clear, I’m still fumbling in semi darkness but the quest continues. As each day passes I feel ‘my little shadow’ gain strength. There are things I must do to earn her trust. Will we make it? Only time will tell. . . . .
Saturday, February 17, 2007
My Little Shadow and the end of the game
A week has passed since leaving ‘my little shadows’ bedside, and what a week it has been. It has been a week of heart ache and joy, laughter and tears, anger and excitement. I have made some discoveries and not all are pleasant, some choices had to be made and things had to be let go.
Three weeks ago I sat at the cross roads contemplating which road to take. In my mind I chose to follow the path with ’my little shadow’ I truly desired what she had to offer, but my heart was not willing to leave the path that stayed near to Him. So as my mind searched for a new future my heart and thus my soul was still connected to him. Two parts of the same body can not go on opposing quests and not have something break eventually. While I’d thought I was moving forward I found I was actually in a very deep rut that continued to lead me in circles, always returning and finding myself back at that cross road with my shattered heart lying on the ground. Resolution was needed, as long as my heart stayed at this crossroad I knew I would not be able to move on. Every time I came back I tried to explain to the part that remained how much more was out there beyond this intersection in our life.
I discovered the darkest part of the journey was at this intersection, when I began to move away I would find the light no matter how distant it was there. I knew the ties to this intersection had to be left behind but my heart was in charge of this place and like the dog waiting by the door for it’s dead master she stood guard over that fork in the road. It was time to re-think my choises with Him. Hour after hour I paced examining the choises before me. I knew the lies, I could continue to hide my knowledge (and continue to torment myself) or reveal the truth (and risk the future). Through it all the future has to be protected but at what cost to me? I re-examined the line of safety, if I move it just a little can I still protect the future? It was the chance I had to take.
I took a step forward, some most basic truths revealed and laid it on the line. Don’t lie any more, tell me the truth, stop feeling guilty, just get honest for once, don’t protect my feelings, don’t lie any more. Balls in your court friends or not friends, it’s all up to you. I guess he didn’t see what was on the line, he thought he could fool the judges. A few half truths in the guise of honesty, a few new lies to cover the old, and a little guilt trip to keep me off guard, a fast trip to the pits of hell. The trip was so abrupt it left me realing from it’s force, but I knew I could not run and I could not hide I had to climb back up and face this demon if I was to move onto the bliss I was seeking. With fire extinquisher in hand I climbed back in the game.
Re-evlauate, re-assess, new game plan, new out come, new life.
There is no way to win this game, except to end it now. Being who I am and the nature of my beast, giving up is not my style. I fight to the end, but where is the end of this game. He will play it forever, exhausting my heart, my mind and my soul, tearing me down till I give up all that is left of me. I am seeking my little shadow not trying to kill her. He brought her into my life and now he wants her back. Well he can not have her, she is mine so the game must end.
Re-assessed, re-evaluated, new plan made, next move made, balls in his court and I walk away. Game-set-match!
Yes I still worry about the future, since the day this started it’s been my biggest fear. I know I still must leave a small part of me with that, I can not abandon that path. He does not know the game is over, he’s still playing in his mind deciding on his next move. I don’t think he will allow the game to end like this, he will try to keep it going.
I have to keep my eye on the road ahead and not look back, if I listen to his call I will return and that is not an option. My little shadow calls from her bed, providing me with the incentive to go on. Two new helping hands have joined me on the path to help me reach my destination. I don’t know how they know, but they always give me the inspiration I need just when I need it the most…
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