Times are changing with ‘My Little Shadow”
Monday, March 05, 2007
Healing My little Shadow comes first
I have rejoined my path. My days in free fall have ended. Grounded once again the journey continues. I needed some time away, there were things I needed to do, time spent alone thinking things thru. I could not go forward while carrying the path, the load was to heavy to bare.
If I wanted a life with ‘my little shadow’ I knew all my pasts had to be left behind. Yes He was a part of it but far from the totality of the situation. The damage to ‘my little shadow’ has been being inflicted for years. Now after days and days in free fall I am aware of the damage inflicted. Not all of the damage is visible, much is internal, the wounds festering from years of neglect.
The shattered heart, pieced together with super glue and duct tape, the proper attention not given. How many times can one heart be broken before it can not be repaired? With attention it can be mended, gone is the duct tape, and the super glue has been desolved, a new beginning at healing old wounds. With microscopic attention the pieces now being returned to thier original place. Yes there will always be pieces missing from this puzzel, so many parts left behind at retreat. The heart and the soul are wonderous things, with a little attention to detail healing can begin. So with all the patience available to any single human being, I pull out the microscope, golden needle, and the finest of thread and set about repairing the damage.
Work has gone well, each new wound discovered repaired with the close attention to detail. Each wound must be attended to individually. Some are easier to heal then others, some take moments, some much more, months may be involved in still others.
I finally see that I had lost site of my path and the journey I was on. I had become content to spend moments with ‘my little shadow’ enduring hours of anquish forgetting that the purpose of the trip was not for moments but rather eternity with my shadow. Now I’m again on the right path, the true journey begins, no longer seeking moment, the crossroad and all that it represents left beind. Now the realization, He was but a vessel to begin my journey. I had convinced myself in my desperation to connect with ‘my little shadow’ that I needed him. Now I see it was not a journey we were intended to take together. He was brought in to show me the path, make the introductions then continue on a path of his own. He takes with him pieces of the shattered heart, maybe they are needed to mend his own. I leave them with him with my blessing and well wishes for the future, I hope he finds what ever it is he seeks, my path is calling and I must answer looking forward the past left behind. What tomorrow will bring is unclear, but each stitch made with the golden needle, brings ‘my little shadow’ closer to full health. Soon she will rejoin me on my path, keeping me company as we journey together into the unknown.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Side by Side with ‘my little shadow’ today
Looking back at the days since my journey began, I’m amazed by the number of detours I have taken since it started. Setting off in good faith I was making progress toward my goal, only to find myself returned to the same place over and over again. It’s like running blindly through a deep forest, convinced each step is taking you closer to getting out only to find yourself standing under the same tree once again, facing the same crossroad, exhausted, none the wiser, and more confused. There comes a time when it’s time to stop running and pay closer attention to the trip. So my journey resumed again, the same journey just a different route, time to stop running and pay attention to where I’m going this time. One foot in front of the other, stopping to deal with the obstacles rather then going around or over them. So much to do, so much to deal with, no short cuts, no running blindly. One step, one day, one thing, one stitch at a time. Progress is slower now, in if you look at the distance traveled but faster due simply to the fact I am moving forward not in circles. True progress is being made, ‘my little shadow’ has rejoined the journey, times together increase daily. No longer are moments enough, I seek her permanent company in my life. Every day we spend more time traveling our path in each others company. The journey is much more pleasant walking side by side, sharing the experience together, no more torment and torture, now with the pain there is joy and laughter as well. Time spent discovering, healing, remembering, repairing, laughing and learning to smile just because. For the first time in a long time I like being me, just because I am me. I had come to believe He was needed for me to enjoy my life. that without him there was no ‘little shadow’ that smile, the laugh , the pure joy of living my life as me. I believed He accepted me and loved me in spite of all the pains and secrets of the past, the things that I thought no one could accept. The acceptance was the secret to ‘my little shadow’ not Him. I needed to accept me and when I have fully accomplished this ‘my little shadow’ and I can be as one, and true happiness and joy can be mine. Gone is the total darkness, the first rays of the morning sun are just beginning to lighten the sky, I face each day with anticipation now, what will this day accomplish that will brighten my trip even more. The journey continues, the joy grows, and the time with my little shadow increases. . . . .
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