Shadowblogs

 Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sometimes in life so much happens it’s hard to keep track of it all. Since I attempted my trip up the mountain, I have tried on several occasions to completed the journey. I have been unsuccessful in my endevores. Something somewhere has held me back, as of now I have not found it but changes are taking place.

I have found ‘him’ invading my mind again. Wonder how many times that cord will have to be cut before it stops wiggling in my mind. ‘He’ is not welcome now and the invasion is not as it used to be. No longer does he come to my mind with heartache and pain, now he’s an annoyance, a sense that something is wrong, and the wish it would leave me alone. I try to shield my mind from the invasion, block the thoughts of him, when my day is in full swing this comes easy, my shielding is strong, but in the early morning hours as I drive into the darkness on the way to work, my protection is still weak and his memory is strong. I don’t know where they come from but I shove them away to go on with my day. I remind myself if things are bad for him it’s of his own doing  and it’s no longer any of my concern. I hold conversations with him in my mind tell him to leave me alone, yet morning after morning ’he’ returns, an unwelcome intrusion in my mind. I do not love or hate him, feel no ill will over the things he did. I am grateful for the journey I am on because of what he did. So I suppose I feel gratitude. There are times I wish we had shared this journey together, I think of the wonderful things I have discovered the horrible things I’ve let go of, and know it how much it would help if he was to be by my side. I know his pain, and what it is doing to his soul, if he could see the things I’ve seen and felt the joy I’ve felt that pain could be carried away. His search for peace would be over and he could stop distroying his life. But alas he is not ready to let go, he holds on for dear life, I will not be a part of it no more. By the time I reach work I leave him in the car where he vanishes with the rising sun.

I’ve spent the weekend pondering my week the dance with his memory, the call from my path, all the new things to explore and wondering which way to go. So many things to discover, like a kid in a candy store so much to see and do. Never stopping long enough to get a fix on my path. Questions asked, new things learned, confusion and joy, excitement and fear, never been one for not knowing where I’m going, not very comfortable with change.

This morning I woke up determined to run down some answers, to get a firm fix on my quest. Started the morning by checking for the answer I had posed to a friend last night. Oh crumb no help there answer ‘why limit yourself explore it all’. I am not detoured though determined to narrow this road I’m on I decide to pull three cards from ‘messages from your angels’ deck. Response from the cards: continue absorbing knowlege, not ready to narrow the field, there is no rush, caution is warrented, there is no turning back, have no fear the journey is safe.

Well dang and double dang anyway, still the traveling the wide road. But maybe just maybe the fear and safety issue is an answer to why ‘he’ has invaded my thoughts. As unwelcome as ‘his’ memory is it keeps me from facing an uncertain future. As dead end as that road is I know what is there pain, heartache, sorrow and grief. As ugly as it is it’s predictable and there’s the comfort of knowing what each day brings. OMG time to set that thought free to my guides, YUCK!

But old stubborn me the universe has told me twice to go with the flow but still I insist I need to narrow the road. Time to meditate on the idea. I set my intentions conquer the fear that keeps me from moving forward, let go of what is holding me here, and find the narrow road to follow.

I saw a sink with the plug in the drain, as I contemplated if I should pull it out or leave it there, the plug began to sink into the drain. My mind snapped to full attention, grab that plug it’s blocking our path. Too late the plug was sucked down the drain out of my reach. Cursing myself for being so stupid I began a new search for the plug. Finally my efforts and persistance were rewarded as I again found the plug, this time not in an empty sink but in a bathtub with several inches of murky water. Not thinking twice I reached in and pulled it out. Within seconds my vision was filled with the tornado of the draining tub. When my vision cleared I found myself on the shore next to a large body of water, looking out to the open sea, on both sides were high cliffs leaving a wide passage for the ship floating on the water to travel through, in the distance the beautiful orange yellow sky of the setting sun. I stood on the shore watching the ship sail out to the open sea fading to just a spot on the horizon. The thought crossed my mind that the journey begins and was over whelmed by the knowledge I was standing on shore and my ship had just set sail. I’d missed the boat again. As fast as the idea hit my mind, I found myself on the bow of the ship, sailing calmly past the cliffs on both sides. As I looked out to the open sea, I wondered did I have to understand that it was my ship setting sail and desire to make the voyage to be allowed passage or did I need to see my ship set sail so I would understand the journey had begun? Maybe a little of both.

Looking back on the vision brings great comfort and joy, the final block and fear are now gone, the true journey has begun, but. . . . looking out at the open sea, my road has not narrowed at all.

 Saturday, April 14, 2007

It’s been a tremendous week! It’s amazing what some major healing, letting go, and forgiveness can do for the soul.

‘My little shadow’ and I needed some help getting past the pain of days gone by. A new and wonderful soul had joined our path, placed there for just this purpose. So in the dark of night we came together, joined by a cord, across time and space, the magic of healing took place. My healer saw the pain let go, taken away by the angels. As we discussed the pain and the hugeness of it later, my healer thought it was ‘him’ I had not revealed the truth of what I was working on, admitting it now just felt like the right thing to do.

There’s no way to discribe the feeling of peace, joy and freedom that took over in the moment I figured it out. This week has been a wonderful week learning new things, finding joy in the little things, seeing old things with whole new eyes, what a journey it’s been.

This morning we began a trip, a journey to the top of a mountain to meet our higher self. As we set out it appeared it would be easy, sadly it’s harder then expected. Just short of our goal the journey came to an end. The finale saved for another day, something is still not right, it just isn’t time yet, we sit at the edge of the moutain top reflecting  on our journey, tomorrows another day. No need to hurry we have a life time of journeys ahead of us. Today We’ll just review our journey to now and see what’s holding us back.

Sunday, April 01, 2007  

Life is good . . .the days are getting longer . . . the nights are getting shorter. . .Spring is in the air . . .the trees are turning green . . .and flowers are blooming in the garden . . .spring . . .a time for new beginnings . . .saying good bye to a long, cold winter . . .Good byes said . . .time to start the next stage . . .a life of joy . . .love . . .and happiness . . .this time it’s for real . . .no more false promises . . .from some one that just lies. . .this time the happiness . . .is based on the truth . . . my new love . . .will never leave me . . .lie to me . . .hurt me . . .or find someone new. . . . my new love is in it for life . . .unconditional . . .non judgemental . . .full of forgiveness . . .replacing the bad memories with beautiful new ones . . .my new love . . .enjoys listening to the birds of springtime sing . . .the sun beating down . . .a gentle springtime breeze . . .or the sound of the rain on the roof . . .nothing more joyous then just my new love and me . . .we take time every day . . .alone together . . .walking along . . .a smile on my face . . .a song in my heart . . .walking on air . . .since we’re never apart . . .together forever . . .my new love and me . . .the journeys not ended. . . . . we have miles to go . . .but together we’ll make it . . .my new love and me . . .how exciting the journey . . .I’ve finally found ME!!!

 Friday, March 16, 2007

 My little shadow lost in the time slips

They say it’s the moon, everything is out of whack, time is in a funk, I move in yesterday when it’s tomorrow, today doesn’t exist till next week.. You think you’re confused just imagine trying to live in this time zone. Depression and mood swings, confusion, insanity, and worst of all the feeling of being lost in time. My guides are just as lost as I am. Word on the street the solar eclipse will bring it back in alignment. I guess we’ll find out in a couple of days.

The journey has slowed during the time slips. With ‘my little shadow’ in yestday I am traveling in tomorrow. Sliding through time I’ve had several close calls with the yesterdays I’ve left behind. As time made it’s first slip,I fell backwards and landed squarely in front of the crossroad. It began to tug at me and almost sucked me in, fortunately a guiding hand slipped past just as I was almost at the point of no return. Once again on solid ground back on the path of tomorrow, I attempted to hold on till things settle down. A twist and a shift and oops I was ripped free of my anchor and slid back back backwards again. Thinking as fast as the new slip would allow my guides mantra sounded off, ground ground ground, focus and protect. Hard to ground with your feet over your head, focus, protect how when your your mind is in another time zone. Ground, focus, protect, focus first, then protect and ground try it backwards and maybe I would not get sucked back into that pit of dispair back at the crossroads from hell.

Focus, occupy look for a new route through the time shift. A new guide, the violet flame, research, study, decree, learn, focus, manifest, maintain, move forward inch by inch. The violet flame begins to bring ‘my little shadow’ closer. Keeping my eye on the violet flame the crossroad again fades to it’s place in the past, it beckons, out of phase I glance back but the violet flame holds me fast till the moment passes.

Two more days the moon is coming back in alignment with time, and the past will be gone. The path is still there, ‘my little shadow’ is coming nearer, the guides are there, and now the violet flame is lighting my way.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The severed cord

Not the destination I expected. Not so long ago I began this journey to find my path in life, in search of ’my little shadow’. It feels as though I’ve been traveling for years, hard to believe it’s barely been 2 month.

Looking back, it’s been a journey of heart ache and sorrow, joys and laughter, good days and horrid ones as well. One hurdle after another, approached, tackeled, beaten or faced again. The journey bagan to escape yet another heart break, another love abandoned for no reason, here today gone tomorrow, leaving me sitting at a crossroad with my heart in pieces again.

At first I just wanted to sit there and cry, tired of this trip from heart break to heart break, convinced he would return some day. I played this game before, wait it out he’ll be back, don’t matter what he’s done. Had ‘my little shadow’ not come to me that night and whispered her message of hope in my ear, I would be sitting there waiting today, shattered heart still laying on the ground. Her message four little words, the message not what was spoken, brought hope and joy to my heart and my soul. The message private, meant only for my heart words to heal my soul, four little words misunderstood and mis-interpretted by all but the ears meant to hear them. They got me moving, I began the journey away from the intersection that led to the path we had shared. He called me back so often, the trip in circles, the near death of ‘my little shadow’. After a month of traveling no place it was time for the game to end, I cut the cord, with him. That cord that allowed him to speak to my mind, tug at my heart, and rip at my very soul. With the cord cut, I was free to move along my path, no longer did I hear his call, feel his presence, bare the pain of his being.

It sent me into a free fall, the new silence deafening, no longer connected to what I discovered to be my twin flame, but when the free fall was over I was again on solid ground. Mind clearer able to see the path ahead, the journey to look forward to, and new challenges to meet. ‘My little shadow’ traveling with me showing the things I must do to have her with me always, I met each challenge, won some, lost some, and at a draw with others. Guides always present helping me along the way.

After the cord was cut I was free, I didn’t expect the end result. As I moved forward there was a pull back to the crossroad over and over. The visits were short though and the trip resumed, never a desire to stay, each return shorter, each return becoming more repulsive. I didn’t understand, not then and just barely now, something was changing. Communications from him got more bitter, his ability to recollect what had happened seemed to vanish, suddenly I was the bad guy, (say what?), we couldn’t be friends because of things I did. Lost and confused I asked him why, his response was pure hatred, angry and more confused I fired back and deleted him from myspace and my life. New anger, new pain, new forgiveness to find.  

My search for answers brought me new understanding, the severed cord all hacked and cut laying on the ground. It brought freedom to me, I knew what was going on. I didn’t think about him, and how he may react. He didn’t believe in the cord, I thought it was one way, looking back I can see that it wasn’t, did he know it was there? Did he consciously know I had cut it? I don’t know. Did his heart and soul feel the disconnection? I have no dought. His little shadow is now lying in the hospital for lost and damaged souls. No one to care for it does he even know it’s missing? Can she bring it back? The temptation to visit is strong, His soul was so precious to mine. But if I visit, the cord may reconnect and that is a chance I can not take. I now understand why our paths joined all those months ago, we both had a journey of healing and forgiveness to take, he was not ready to make it, I on the other hand am.

The final cord lays severed on the ground, his heart and soul, lie next to it, the ball is in her court hopefully she will rescue him from his own private hell as I would have done, I turn and join hands with ‘my little shadow’ and walk into the sunset together. The real journey can now begin!